Too Late?

After hardening my heart for so long, I finally got saved on October 29, 2008 ! It was Thursday night of our Fall Revival with Bro. Curtman. I have known for such a long time that I was lost. Lately, I even began boldly admitting it to others and sometimes using it as an excuse to do wrong. "I don't have to act like a saved person if I'm not.", I reasoned. How arrogant!! Each Sunday and Wednesday, and every special meeting, I would be in church. I was raised there. I liked being there. I haven't missed very many church services in my twenty six years and that too, became a source of pride for me.

What I wouldn't admit was, that each service I attended, was a gift from God...another opportunity to be saved. I wasted so many chances and sometimes, convicted to tears, I stubbornly refused to accept God's gift of salvation that He paid such a high price for. So many services God's plan of salvation was presented to me and explained in so many different ways that the Lord knew would speak specifically to me, and yet I would let His Spirit convict me, but then stubbornly refuse to admit fully what I had done and who I really was, before a Holy Righteous God. I knew I was lost and I cared about that fact... to a point. I understood the brash evil of saying boldly to the Holy Spirit of God, "Stop it". I saw the pain on the faces of my family and friends, yet my stubbornness persisted. What folly!!! Who was I kidding? God already knew all about me and even knowing that, I still refused Him and quietly did my best to ease my conscience.

That's where I was. Here is the rest of the story....

Sometime in the last few weeks, I don't remember exactly when, it began to occur to me, that when I was in the middle of another altar call invitation time, that I would say to myself and to God that, "I have to think about this more at home". God was working in my heart even then. That eased my conscience a bit about not responding right when I knew I should. When I would get home to "think about it", I would reason that "my thoughts are not good enough, I need to be hearing preaching". My intellect had worked me into a circle of just not ever dealing with it. This was the pattern for a very long time.

Then in Sunday School of the Revival, Bro. Curtman preached on "The Insanity of Sin". It clicked in my mind! I had been practicing the insanity of sin at every invitation! Several of Pastor Shaffer's messages the last few weeks and months have been about the end times and just how close the end really is. This terrified me because I knew my true condition. Still, I stubbornly and foolishly refused.

Slowly, I came to realize that I did not have many chances left. Many other people were feeling this same way about me! When the altar call came that Sunday morning, once again I still refused. It was then that the Holy Spirit began to bear down on my heart. I thought that God was sure to take me out, unleash His wrath on me and I would get no more chances. I realized that this was more than just, on God's part. He had already given me more chances than I deserved. What more did I want? I was scared, but not enough to do anything about it.

I was convicted again Sunday evening, Monday evening and Tuesday evening. There was a certain knowing, growing in me that said, "you don't have long left Sarah". God did not have to put up with me any more. Pastor extended the invitation one night and I was under so much conviction! I knew I was lost and I knew I was being stubborn. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't admit to my own stubbornness and how it was keeping me from salvation. For a long time I refused to see that my problem was me and my sin, and not some psychological issue that I had.

Finally, Tuesday night as I was on my way home, still under conviction, my sister asked me if I even cared that I was lost? I answered, "Yes, but not enough". She said something that stuck with me. "I don't think you have many chances left Sarah, and I'm not the only one who thinks that." That confirmed to me that the growing "knowing", was not just a feeling, but it was God, warning me. All day long, I was sure that I was done. God had given me so many chances that I had rejected. He didn't have to give me any more. I was almost expecting to die that Wednesday! But even that wasn't enough for me to bend my will. Then when Bro. Curtman preached on Proverbs 29:1, "He that being often reproved hardeneth his neck, shall suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy.", I knew that God was saying, "This is it, Sarah. Listen up. It's for you and if you don't get saved tonight, you're done". In the message that night, God's messenger started talking about God's abundant mercy that so often reproves us. I saw God's great goodness to me and my great sin against Him, in hardening my neck. Remembering that salvation is a choice, I decided that I didn't want to harden my neck anymore. I didn't want God's wrath on me and I didn't want to waste His goodness to me anymore. I kept thinking, "God, if this is real, keep going. Don't let the conviction stop."

By the end of the service, I was ready to go immediately to Mrs. Shaffer and ask her to help me get saved. I didn't want to do it wrong. Even in that, I was wrong, because I still wasn't trusting God to do the work. But...He is merciful and I came to see and understand that He could and would save me, because He said He would..in His Word. He gave me another opportunity and I fell on my face before Him and asked Him to forgive me for throwing His love back in His face all these years. I trusted that He would do the work in me and He did! He saved me!! It's real!!!
Wow! Now I have God's Spirit living in me. Why He would want to do that is beyond me, but He does and He is! Praise the Lord! He is abundant in mercy, forgiving wretched me and letting me be His child. Wow! I'm saved and I know that I am!