But For The Grace of God

Growing up in a home where the Bible was the first and final answer for all things in life, I knew from an early age of the love of God in sending His only Son, Jesus, to pay the penalty for the sin of all mankind. I also knew I was included, as I too, was a sinner. As many children are, I was still very sensitive and eager to please. Therefore, the knowledge that I too would be condemned to hell unless I was saved, became an increasing concern to me. So, at the age of eight, at camp, away from my parents, I was led in praying my first prayer. I had all the information needed and "understood" it in the very factual way that a very sheltered eight year old would. I was extremely afraid of hell at this time, and that was, no question about it, THE motivating factor in my first, young profession of faith. Satan is no fool. Though we don’t encourage young professions here, and certainly not the easy-believism that has spread through this country in the last century; this false profession would lay groundwork for future confusion and cynicism in my life.

Skip forward about five years to my young teen years. By now, there was no question in my heart that I really was not saved, but lost. I never admitted to it, with my mouth, but my life certainly proclaimed it loud and clear. Around eleven and twelve years old, I become increasingly concerned with the lack of peace I felt. I was very afraid of where I’d go if I died. Still blind to the reality of my sinful heart, (I knew in my head I was a sinner) I was confused why "the prayer" had not worked when I was eight. This, coupled with the rise of my sinful will as a young teen, led me from confusion, to cynicism, to downright rebellion.

From age thirteen to sixteen years old, I grew more and more rebellious, and it became increasingly hard to project the sweet, little pastor’s daughter image I felt everyone expected. This thought also furthered my anger and rebellion, because I felt that who I was, kept me from doing what I really wanted to do.

I can not underestimate the power and influence of some friends I had at this time as well. I do NOT in any way, blame any of my actions and attitudes on them, as they only provided an outlet for me to show what I really was, but my rebellious thoughts and actions were empowered when I was with them. I have many painful memories of things thought, said and done during this time. Looking back, God’s mercy is most amazing and beyond comprehension to me, during this time. He, THE omnipotent God, Who holds all power, glory and honour, allowed me to profane His Holy name and completely make light of His love and mercy extended towards me. I actually came to a point during these years, that I hated His still small voice, when I felt the Lord speaking to me during a salvation message. I am ashamed to even admit that. God should have sent me to hell then. I had and have been given SO much.

BUT GOD. I am so grateful God’s ways are not our ways. I WOULD be dead now. I cannot fathom God’s mercy and longsuffering, but I would be in hell now, if not for it. When I turned sixteen, as part of God’s merciful, loving plan for me, I was able to spend time with another pastor’s daughter I had not seen in years. She was a little older than I, and we had a lot in common personality-wise, besides the fact, we were both pastor’s daughters. God’s mercy and her testimony of Christ to me during this time really helped shift my heart back towards wanting and seeking true salvation. I saw Jesus in her. She had the real thing and it showed in every way she lived. I had some of the most fun with her, and it was always good, clean fun that didn’t leave you feeling empty and guilty. I wanted what she had! She wasn’t boring and didn’t possess a pseudo-spirituality. I could sense the constant peace and joy she had, and I craved that in my own life.

It wasn’t long after this time, that friends I had who were negative influences in my life, were no longer part of my daily life. Again, I see the Lord’s hand and goodness. I began to read my Bible and ask God to reveal Himself to me. About a year from this time, I made a profession of faith again. I remember how I wanted to be saved SO badly! With everything in me, I wanted peace and joy in Christ rather than what my sin had been giving me. Leading up to this profession, I became very analytical in my search for true salvation. I had seen countless, worthless professions in other teens and adults, and had my own meaningless eight year old profession. I didn’t want to get the same thing again. I’m reminded of the verse in Job, "And Satan came also..."

And he did. Though I couldn’t have been more sincere in my seeking and ultimately in my second prayer, I did not receive true salvation. The intense desire I had for the real thing led to many changes in my life and it was this I clung to for three more years, trying to convince myself I was ok. But I still lacked the peace in my heart I was looking for.

Finally, I admitted to myself and my parents that I didn’t believe I was saved. Even they were a little surprised I think. After all, my attitudes and actions HAD changed so much. I had WANTED to be and do all the right things I had always been taught, and for the most part, it wasn’t too difficult. But I did not have THE Holy Spirit bearing witness with my spirit.

I again began seeking and praying to God that He would show me what I did wrong. Why didn’t I get it?! I was so sincere! Some of the hardest times of my life were these three years. Internally and emotionally, I went from bad to worse. Rather than gaining clarification as I hoped, I became more and more confused as I reasoned within myself and didn’t know what to think after a while. I felt hopeless, depressed and wished I hadn’t been born. If it hadn’t been for God’s grace again preserving and protecting me, I can only imagine what could’ve happened to me during this time. I can see now that much of the protection, (physically and spiritually) came from still being under my parent’s authority in the home. If I had been outside that umbrella of protection, I believe Satan’s influence on my mind and consequently, my actions, would have been far greater and very likely, disastrous in my life. I really began to see how weak and frail I was during this time. The Lord mercifully began showing me how self-sufficient I had been, all along.

Even in my sincerity when I prayed, I realized I was looking to myself for the assurance I was seeking. I thought if I REALLY, SINCERELY repented, I would finally get the real thing. My big problem was ME! I was trying to get salvation, just like any other religious person tries to get it. By doing everything just so and by being sincere. I was creating my own works salvation! I really never completely and utterly forsook the entire, sinful package called "Cherith Shaffer." I was really, in all reality, trusting the Baptist religion to save me.

Isn’t Satan clever? We who know it is "not by works of righteousness which we have done" can just as easily be deceived. And it’s really not rocket science for Satan. He just uses his own well-developed, deceptive abilities and our own depraved heart, and there you go, he’s deceived another one.

When I finally saw this truth and the Lord again, MERCIFULLY convicted my heart, I knew NOW was the day of salvation. I would not waste another moment "pondering" (doubting, really) about it. The truth was there. I was so full of pride, God couldn’t save me before. I remember sensing a struggle before I prayed this last time. Between Satan and my own depths of self and sin, it just seemed so hard to just let go, and so simply - Trust God. I remember finally just feeling angry with myself at that point. I was sick to death of Cherith! Cherith, who was just too self-righteous to let the God of the universe take COMPLETE control of her life AND her afterlife!

It was then, October of 2002, I literally felt like I threw myself off a cliff into God’s hands, turning from ME. Me, with all my pride that manifested itself in a million different ways. From my rebellion in my teen years, to the doubts and fears that had plagued me since I was first aware of sin. I didn’t want anymore of the old me. I wasn’t looking for warm fuzzy feelings, but I sensed a peace and assurance because I knew I had finally turned completely from the old Cherith and given everything over to God . If God, the Maker of the universe, can’t save and keep your eternal soul, who, pray-tell, can? It really is just turning away from your self and sin and turning to God, no reservations. God didn’t make salvation hard. WE are the ones who make it hard! When we find it just too hard to let go of ourselves - our will, our thoughts, WE then make it impossible.

God IS loving and longsuffering, not willing that any should perish. If we would all just take a good look at the course of our lives so far, we would see the mercy of God, guiding and protecting us, not willing that ANY should perish. Isaiah 55:6 says, "Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:" Don’t wait too long if you are yet lost. God IS loving and longsuffering, but He is also just, and there will be a time when His justice will say, "Enough." Every day that passes, is of a certainty, a day less to trifle with your own eternal soul.