People Pleasing Pride Kept My Soul in Torment

Written By Kristen Cobb

Four years ago on a canoe trip I made a profession of faith. It was not real. I “prayed a prayer” but that was all it was.

I have grown up in church and I knew that getting saved was the right thing to do. I knew all the right words to say and I honestly believe that I did want to get saved that night. But my reason for getting saved was wrong. I made a profession only because I knew it would make people happy and not because I thought I needed to be saved.

It didn’t take me long after that to realize that nothing I said that night was real. Now it was too late and now there was no way I was telling everyone that I was not really saved.  I told myself that I was just having doubts and that Satan was trying to discourage me.  For over three years I told myself this. Every time Pastor would preach and the Lord would convict me, I would just say it was the devil, or maybe the Lord was just putting a burden on my heart for the lost around me. For a while that worked to appease my conscience. I was able to convince myself that the conviction I felt was not really for me.  I still knew in my heart that I was not saved but I would not admit it to myself.

The devil does not care how many professions of faith in Christ you make, or even how close you come to real salvation, as long as you never truly get saved. As long as you never truly get saved…he still owns you.

After a while I started to pull away from people. I pulled away from the church and my family. I was afraid that if I was around anyone too much, they would start to figure out that I was not really saved. My pride said that if I told people that I wasn’t really saved, they would be discouraged and disappointed. I was more concerned about pleasing people than pleasing God!

For a year there was a terrible war going on in my heart. It was a battle between my flesh and the Lord. Then I heard a message about the rapture and the preacher said that he thinks it is going to happen soon. After that sermon, I was scared to death! I knew that if the rapture did happen I would be left here. I couldn’t even sleep at night. I was so scared that when I woke up everyone would be gone so I just stayed up all night just to make sure my family was still here. I was miserable…but I thought it was too late for me. I thought I had lived a lie for too long and that there was no way I could admit now that I was not saved. Satan was feeding me so many lies and in ignorance, I was believing them!

Then in March, the Lord really started to work on my heart. He took away my job and my computer, the two things that I would use to distract my mind so I didn’t have to think about getting saved. I stayed at home with my mom and we would talk. My mom loves to talk about the Lord! She loves the Lord so much and every day she would tell me how amazing the Lord is and what the Lord had taught her that day. The Lord knew
exactly what I need to hear. Even though my mom didn’t realize it at the time, God was using her words to help me.

Because my computer was gone, I started to read my Bible at night. Slowly, the Lord started softening my heart. Then, on April 29th, I went out with two of my friends and the whole time we were together, they talked about their salvation and how they got saved. I just sat there listening to them and almost wishing they would just stop talking or at least talk about something else!

When I got home that night, I sat on my bed for hours. I told the Lord that I was sick and tired of living a lie. I begged Him to show me what I was missing. It was almost like hitting a brick wall….God showed me that even if I was the only person on earth, He still would have had to come and die on the cross for ME! My whole life I had heard this. Now I was face to face with the fact that it was MY sin that nailed Him to that cross. He showed me how ugly my sin really is to Him and when I saw it, it made me sick. I saw myself as a terrible wretched, people pleasing, sinner, and in spite of all that, God still wanted to save me.

I knelt down right there and told the Lord that I give Him everything, every part of my heart, my every desire, my every dream…He could have it all! I begged Him to forgive me for my sin and to come live in my heart. He could have it all! And HE SAVED ME!

My life is different now. I see things and people differently now. I’m changed and I now live with the peace of God in my heart. I’m saved and I know that I am.