By the time I was seventeen, I realized something was missing in my life. The only label I could put on it was happiness. At that age, people always ask "what do you want to be after you graduate?" The only aspiration I had was to be happy. My parents didn't seem happy so I concluded marriage wasn't the key. Being a student with good grades didn't do it. Drinking definitely didn't bring happiness. What would?
I decided that having someone to love and take care of me would bring me happiness. So I began dating. It was so thrilling and wonderful to be the object of someone's attention! It was everything I had hoped for until a week after my 18th birthday. I had found I was pregnant. Whatever "happiness" I had thought I found was over. Reality was staring me in the face and laughing. My boyfriend insisted on an abortion, I just numbly followed his lead. On the third of January I watched as the remnants of my child was sucked from my womb. From that point on, my life turned sour. I had no hope. Drinking, which I had despised until then, seemed to ease the pain for a while. My relationships soured, I couldn't accept anyone's love after what I had done. I went ahead and went to college. It was easy to fall into the partying scene. My life just became one long worsening nightmare filled with all the things the world has to offer those who are hurting: drugs, alcohol, sex.
Spring of 1990 found me at the bottom of myself. I had had two more abortions during those last five years and was now trying to pick up my life after an abusive relationship. I couldn't understand why I was alive. Some of my friends had been telling me about God. They said God had a purpose for my life. I decided it had to be true because I certainly shouldn't still be alive. I concluded that I had better find out what that purpose was. I began attending church. My boyfriend and I went together sometimes. I unknowingly began trying on religion to sooth my conscience. During this time I became pregnant again. I couldn't bring myself to have another abortion and eventually my boyfriend and I got married.
It was immediately crystal clear that we didn't have clue one about marriage. In the midst of the fights and slights and insults, we turned to a preacher for help. He began teaching us from the Bible.
For the first time I was studying God's Word, and my sin became a heavier and heavier burden to me. One day in October, I just happened to be reading Ezekial 16. The Word of God smote my heart. I realized my sinful state and told God I give up my life. I would do whatever He wanted me to do, I had been the boss of my life and completely messed it up. I told Him that I would even get saved if that's what He wanted. Suddenly into my head popped the memory of a scene from daily Vacation Bible School when I was 12. I had asked Jesus to save me and come into my heart. So surely I must already be saved, I had prayed the prayer. I didn't get saved that day, but I sure believed I was. However, I kept my promise, and from that point on, whatever I learned from the Bible that God required of me, I tried to do it.
This pathway of obedience changed the outward sins, but it couldn't change my heart. I was still miserable, although there was a certain Pharisee-ical satisfaction to be had from living piously. My marraige didn't change except to maybe get worse. We had more children but I couldn't see them as much more than added burdens. This was the time we moved to North Dakota and began attending a great church.
My pride came to the surface here. I patted myself on the back because I had so much "on straight". I wore the proper clothes, I read my Bible almost every day, I even prayed for hours at a time. But that allusive happiness never materialized. My health was failing from all the stress in my life and no matter how I tried, I just couldn't quite be one of the crowd at church. I always had a feeling that I was outside, standing at a window watching, but not part of it all.
God was really dealing with me. I was under conviction all the time. I just couldn't quite place my finger on what was wrong! I was trying to do all I knew to do right! I was pushing myself beyond my limits to please God but His acceptance never seemed to come.
Finally, God got through. When I really compared my life to what the scriptures said a Christian ought to be, I couldn't measure up. God's power was not prospering my life, I was doing everything on my own. That day I chose to believe God would save even me and I decided I wanted to be saved. I asked Him to and He did!
Why did I get saved that day? Because I obeyed God. He said that I had to repent of my sin and place my faith in Jesus Christ. His Son came to earth, died, was buried and rose again so that I might have eternal life. But if I had already repented and prayed before, why didn't it work? Because we must repent first! I did ask for forgiveness as a child but I hadn't repented of sin. I did repent of my sin as an adult, but instead of putting my faith in the person of Jesus Christ, I was relying on my prayer to save me. It took me a long time to realize that what I had was just a profession, not a possession. But when I did, God saved me just like He said He would.
Immediately I could sense a difference. The fighting against God was over. The constant arguing with the Holy Spirit ceased. I could see how He had been trying to tell me for months that I was lost but I kept insisting that I was saved. The thought "Oh, but I'm saved, I'm sure I'm saved" had been a part of my thinking for so long, I was surprised when it was gone. Another thing that was immediately gone was the weight of my sin. The guilt was gone! Praise the Lord, it was gone! I wanted to tell everybody!
Outwardly things changed too. For instance, my marriage started to get better. For the first time, I didn't have to react to everything my husband was or wasn't doing. I had a calmness, a peace that was steadying somehow. The next thing I noticed was that my attitude towards God was completely different. He was no longer this harsh task master watching me with whip in hand, ready to smack me whenever I did something wrong. Instead, God loved me! He saved me! I was accepted! I was no longer on the outside looking in, I was of the beloved now. My perspective had totally changed.
My love for my children changed. I had love for them. I saw them in a totally different light. They became special and precious to me, I found myself watching them, as if I had never really seen them before.
Finally, from the moment of my salvation, I have never been alone. God's always there for me. I'm not by myself trying to cope with life, making decisions, etc. No matter if I fail or succeed, God's comfort is there and He is so gentle. He never derides me or criticizes me. He just gently reminds me of what He desires for me and that I need to get up again. Being born again is like nothing else in the world. It is true happiness.
Viki Griffith
I decided that having someone to love and take care of me would bring me happiness. So I began dating. It was so thrilling and wonderful to be the object of someone's attention! It was everything I had hoped for until a week after my 18th birthday. I had found I was pregnant. Whatever "happiness" I had thought I found was over. Reality was staring me in the face and laughing. My boyfriend insisted on an abortion, I just numbly followed his lead. On the third of January I watched as the remnants of my child was sucked from my womb. From that point on, my life turned sour. I had no hope. Drinking, which I had despised until then, seemed to ease the pain for a while. My relationships soured, I couldn't accept anyone's love after what I had done. I went ahead and went to college. It was easy to fall into the partying scene. My life just became one long worsening nightmare filled with all the things the world has to offer those who are hurting: drugs, alcohol, sex.
Spring of 1990 found me at the bottom of myself. I had had two more abortions during those last five years and was now trying to pick up my life after an abusive relationship. I couldn't understand why I was alive. Some of my friends had been telling me about God. They said God had a purpose for my life. I decided it had to be true because I certainly shouldn't still be alive. I concluded that I had better find out what that purpose was. I began attending church. My boyfriend and I went together sometimes. I unknowingly began trying on religion to sooth my conscience. During this time I became pregnant again. I couldn't bring myself to have another abortion and eventually my boyfriend and I got married.
It was immediately crystal clear that we didn't have clue one about marriage. In the midst of the fights and slights and insults, we turned to a preacher for help. He began teaching us from the Bible.
For the first time I was studying God's Word, and my sin became a heavier and heavier burden to me. One day in October, I just happened to be reading Ezekial 16. The Word of God smote my heart. I realized my sinful state and told God I give up my life. I would do whatever He wanted me to do, I had been the boss of my life and completely messed it up. I told Him that I would even get saved if that's what He wanted. Suddenly into my head popped the memory of a scene from daily Vacation Bible School when I was 12. I had asked Jesus to save me and come into my heart. So surely I must already be saved, I had prayed the prayer. I didn't get saved that day, but I sure believed I was. However, I kept my promise, and from that point on, whatever I learned from the Bible that God required of me, I tried to do it.
This pathway of obedience changed the outward sins, but it couldn't change my heart. I was still miserable, although there was a certain Pharisee-ical satisfaction to be had from living piously. My marraige didn't change except to maybe get worse. We had more children but I couldn't see them as much more than added burdens. This was the time we moved to North Dakota and began attending a great church.
My pride came to the surface here. I patted myself on the back because I had so much "on straight". I wore the proper clothes, I read my Bible almost every day, I even prayed for hours at a time. But that allusive happiness never materialized. My health was failing from all the stress in my life and no matter how I tried, I just couldn't quite be one of the crowd at church. I always had a feeling that I was outside, standing at a window watching, but not part of it all.
God was really dealing with me. I was under conviction all the time. I just couldn't quite place my finger on what was wrong! I was trying to do all I knew to do right! I was pushing myself beyond my limits to please God but His acceptance never seemed to come.
Finally, God got through. When I really compared my life to what the scriptures said a Christian ought to be, I couldn't measure up. God's power was not prospering my life, I was doing everything on my own. That day I chose to believe God would save even me and I decided I wanted to be saved. I asked Him to and He did!
Why did I get saved that day? Because I obeyed God. He said that I had to repent of my sin and place my faith in Jesus Christ. His Son came to earth, died, was buried and rose again so that I might have eternal life. But if I had already repented and prayed before, why didn't it work? Because we must repent first! I did ask for forgiveness as a child but I hadn't repented of sin. I did repent of my sin as an adult, but instead of putting my faith in the person of Jesus Christ, I was relying on my prayer to save me. It took me a long time to realize that what I had was just a profession, not a possession. But when I did, God saved me just like He said He would.
Immediately I could sense a difference. The fighting against God was over. The constant arguing with the Holy Spirit ceased. I could see how He had been trying to tell me for months that I was lost but I kept insisting that I was saved. The thought "Oh, but I'm saved, I'm sure I'm saved" had been a part of my thinking for so long, I was surprised when it was gone. Another thing that was immediately gone was the weight of my sin. The guilt was gone! Praise the Lord, it was gone! I wanted to tell everybody!
Outwardly things changed too. For instance, my marriage started to get better. For the first time, I didn't have to react to everything my husband was or wasn't doing. I had a calmness, a peace that was steadying somehow. The next thing I noticed was that my attitude towards God was completely different. He was no longer this harsh task master watching me with whip in hand, ready to smack me whenever I did something wrong. Instead, God loved me! He saved me! I was accepted! I was no longer on the outside looking in, I was of the beloved now. My perspective had totally changed.
My love for my children changed. I had love for them. I saw them in a totally different light. They became special and precious to me, I found myself watching them, as if I had never really seen them before.
Finally, from the moment of my salvation, I have never been alone. God's always there for me. I'm not by myself trying to cope with life, making decisions, etc. No matter if I fail or succeed, God's comfort is there and He is so gentle. He never derides me or criticizes me. He just gently reminds me of what He desires for me and that I need to get up again. Being born again is like nothing else in the world. It is true happiness.
Viki Griffith
1 comment:
Thank you sooooo much for that testimony, dear Viki! God really can change us from the inside out.
I pray that many will read your testimony as I did and be compelled to share it with our lost loved ones who are trapped in that awful sin!
I love you and praise God for you! You're a blessing to me.
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